Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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