this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize