She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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