I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
