I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
