you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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