One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
