TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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