we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My cat gives me a boner
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Randomize
