I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
