Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize