So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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