one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
