It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
