I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
