It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
