I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
