I love black thongs
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
