I bet he comes in French.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He felt like a one man threesome
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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