and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
