You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
