Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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