well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
