I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
