I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
