Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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