True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Drake has all the answers
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
