So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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