My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
