I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
whose parrot is this?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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