an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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