Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
