we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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