Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
