we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
