I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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