I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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