I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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