I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
