sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
