I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
