what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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