I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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