Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
