Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
