I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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