You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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