I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's never too late to be topless.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
