I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
