I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I will be naked everywhere
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
