I hate all girls vehemently.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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