Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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