i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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