Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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