Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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